For any true Washington football fan, last night was a disaster. Philadelphia delivered an athletic beatdown on my beloved burgundy-and-gold the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Gus Frerotte era. Quarterback (and possible messiah) Robert Griffin III was reduced to a shell of his former self, a rocket ship made a paper airplane. Worst of all, though, was that my glorious hometown team continued to call itself the most racist name in all of sports.
The Redskins.
Still? For real?? I mean, I know people like team owner Dan Snyder say the name isn’t offensive because it “honors Native Americans.†Here’s the thing, though. I don’t like the team name Seminoles either, but at least that’s a real tribe. I’ve never heard someone say, “Why yes, actually I am of Redskin heritage.â€
Ok, some people will admit, the word may be a little derogatory. And yes, it may cover up fun little things like forced adoptions and smallpox blankets. But if we were going to change the name, what would we change it to?
Now that is a great question. One that I’ve thought over for many a season, from the hallowed days of Doug Williams to the dark ages of Rex Grossman. And after years of study, I am prepared to offer these 5 team name suggestions that more accurately represent the state of affairs in our nation’s capital:
5. Washington Gentrifiers
A way to honor the city’s flood of new white-collar residents and million-dollar condos, the Washington Gentrifiers is a name meant for intimidation. Watch out Dallas, not only are we going to beat you – we’re going to take over your city and displace you out to (gasp) the suburbs. Yes, our dear old Chocolate City may now be more of a Neapolitan Metropolis – which doesn’t make for as good a George Clinton song. But think of the benefits of being the Gentrifiers! Instead of beer and hotdogs at that next tailgating party, you can cheer on your favorite team with $20 martinis and quinoa patties.
4. Washington Drones
Perfect for all the techies and weapons manufacturers that populate Washington (ok, Northern Virginia), the Drones would change more than just the team’s name. It’d change how they play the game itself. Robert Griffin III wouldn’t have to throw the ball anymore. No, the ball would fly itself through the air, remotely controlled from a command center somewhere in Nevada. I just wouldn’t want to be in the stadium when it hit the ground.
3. Washington Wiretappers
Hey Eli Manning, you always wanted to be on the same team as your big brother? That’s cool, my team IS Big Brother. The Washington Wiretappers name would honor the brave men and women of America’s unconstitutional intelligence agencies. You think Bill Belicheck was on to something with the Spygate scandal? Wait till Mike Shanahan teams up with the CIA. Super Bowl rings here we come, complete with a complementary Supreme Court trial for each title.
2. Washington (We Don’t Have No) Senators
Paying homage to the city’s original baseball team, the Washington Senators, this name honors the brilliant idea that residents of our nation’s capital should have no representatives in Congress. How awesome is America? I sure don’t know any other country that has the balls to have 600,000 people live in the ‘capital of democracy’ without the right to vote. This name just fits, especially when you’ve got an owner like Dan Snyder already running the team like a dictatorship.
1. Washington Cracker-Ass Crackers
We saved the best for last. This name pays tribute to all the honest, big-hearted white people who have called Washington home for over 200 years. From slave-owning presidents like Thomas Jefferson to apartheid-supporting presidents like Ronald Reagan. (Hey, we named an airport after him!) As a white person myself, I would feel proud to see the Cracker-Ass Crackers take the field each week in pursuit of championship glory. With a name like that, the team would soon come to rule the NFL, knocking out opponents with an aggressive gameplan and precise, almost violent execution. Because hey, that’s what Cracker-Ass Crackers do.
And no one could possibly be offended by a name like that.
Right?
Washington Whiteys (I mean, hey, a little alliteration never hurt!)
Heh-heh. Pretty wild.
How about the Washington Indigenous?
Not entirely kidding–pays homage to the bona-fide Native American tribes from the area: Piscataway, Lenape, Susquehannock, etc., while potentially leaving the logo more or less in tact. Also shouts out to the more recent “native born” population of the city–no matter the race or ethnic identity.
Finally, offers a great shortened nickname with huge potential–the “Diggers.” You can go to town with that one.
Plus, keep the burgundy and gold, just add green, white and black for the symbolic colors of the original local tribes, and we are back in business with the Indigenous! Go Diggers!
(P.S. Franchise Instrument–the Diggery-doo of course.)
Keep the name “Redskins” but change the mascot to something that nobody would find offensive…a potato (as in red skin potatoes). Fans could dress up as Mr./Mrs. Potato Head to show team spirit. 🙂
I vote for the Cracker-Ass Crackers. It allows the team maintain it’s racially insensitive tradition. It’s more relevant to the city since native Americans were forced out of the region a couple centuries ago by Cracker-Ass Crackers. But best of all, instead of “Hogettes” the fans could just call themselves “Crack Heads” which would be more apropos too.
How about the Washington Thieves? To really have a team that represents what’s going on in Washington, D.C.